There are so many thoughts racing through my mind but yet I find myself at a loss for words. Perhaps if I can squeeze in some shuteye I can let the feelings flow once more.

The funny thing about all this is that this incident has stirred up my feelings for Swing once more, I wonder why. Let me ponder and then give you an update.

M is a Singaporean who is petite, elegant and in every sense of the word a desirable lady, however at times (more frequently then not) she can get caught up in her stuff and get lost. However after really getting to know her this past one and a half years, I have noticed subtle changes in her behavior towards me. What I had been hoping for had eventually come, but had it come too late?

About eight months ago, whilst I was travelling in China I got to know a young lady who drew me to her with her sweet smile and her personality. She is what I can term as a traditional beauty, however she packed a bite that rivals that of a cobra. Although young, she was very mature and this is one thing which has kept me attracted to her. My heart aches as I learnt about what she has been through, she didnt have many years of childhood or teenage years where she could be worry free. In her environment she had to grow up rapidly.

Both women, similar in some areas different in others.

I once used an analogy to describe both to a close friend. If I could use ten minutes to describe what life I have left, M would probably give me 1 minute of happiness and the other ten would be unknown. TX however would be able to give me 5 minutes of happiness but the other 5 we would be squabbling over something. However the wonderful thing about TX is that through our quarrels, we had got to know each other a lot better even though I only got to see her infrequently although we spoke over the phone almost every other day.

Sometimes I wish I could offer myself the advice I had given others. But when it comes to my personal affairs of the heart, I am as weak as the newborn child.

Asides from matters of the heart, a union with TX would mean that I had to give a ‘gift’ of 1 million RMB, not something that I could pull out of my hat at a single go. Money and Love should never belong in the same sentence, however in real life it occurs more often then not.

Night after night I lie await in bed, thinking about my options often tiring myself out only in the wee hours of the morning.

My only option at present as it seems is to seriously consider a lucrative assignment but it would take me for months on end perhaps as long as a year away from her. A decision which is as difficult as cutting a piece of my own flesh.

Predicting the weather is more of an art than a science

I’m gaining a reputation of being able to predict bad news more accurately than our weatherman can predict the day’s weather set me wondering why I did not possess the same capability in predicting good news. This ability had two of my closest friends contact me almost on a daily basis to consult me on what they should say or what message they should send to the object of their dreams or their current pursuit. Alas what I could easily do for others, I could not do for myself.

On the business front, I had bad vibes about a partner and true enough it unrolled as per what I had predicted. The ‘I told you so’ did not make me feel one bit good. After much thought and deliberation, I decided to unleash the monster from within and to take offensive actions. Whilst keeping in the shadows I set forth several actions that if successful will take them unawares. This is in a way truly epic, not unlike the battle between David and Goliath. They were bigger, fiercer but they were complacent and I knew I stood a fighting chance. What had kept me deliberating was that I feared I would bring myself only one step closer to being the monster. But for the benefit of those around me, this was something I had to do.

One thing I did do was to ask 2 of my best friends to stop me if they felt that I was going too far. I needed that sanity check, to ensure that I keep the monster locked up deep within never to arise again. This monster last appeared when Swing and I parted and I didn’t like myself for what I had done then. I wish one day I can face up to her and apologize for my actions.

Come tomorrow evening, the initial meeting takes place thousands of miles from me. Set into motion by me, opting to orchestrate this from behind the scenes I need to clear my mind of all distractions. There is no option of failure, I must succeed for too many people are depending on me for this to be successful.

Then came the inspiration to apply risk management which is one of my key disciplines, namely: -

1. risk avoidance
2. risk transference
3. risk reduction
4. risk acceptance

Recently I came across ‘The Missing Piece’, its by a really cool dude who has passed on but left a rich legacy behind. His doodles are simple, yet meaningful especially when everyone has their own takeaway from it. Shel was even once a playboy illustrator, his cv was truly as diverse as could be.

His book reminded me of my journey thus far and also of what I was seeking, it also reminded me that its not just about me and what may seem to be perfect one moment may evolve into something which is totally opposite. I guess the lesson I should learn now is about letting go, holding on just makes life unbearable. But there are some fundamentals which I hold dear and I live by which are so deeply engrained that makes me who I am – that I will keep till the day I pass on.

Recently I ordered his entire collection from Amazon and my good cousin lugged it back from NY for me (I truly thank him from the bottom of my heart).

A couple of days back I wrapped one of the two copies I had got and dropped it into M’s mailbox, she got it that night when she returned home. Told her that everyone has a different take on this and she asked me what was mine. Personally I prefer to communicate face to face and told her that I would tell her in person.

I’ve shared Shel’s wonderful work with several of my friends, so far all of the have a different take on it but all loved it. I hope that you would find something in it for yourself as well. And if you like it, pass it on..

He has a part deux to this which I will share in a later post…

When the Sun sets, you always wonder if there is something else that you should've done...

Recently, an old ailment prompted a visit to the doctor and only then did I understand what the old folks had said about not choosing to know about an illness and to let it claim them when the time was nigh.

Since I was young, I had always experienced chest pains especially when I had not had enough rest. But after surviving a tough stint in the Army I thought that everything was behind me for I was certified fighting fit.

As I sat in front of the doctor, he adjusted his tortoise shell spectacles took a deep breath and said “I am afraid…” and he paused. At this moment my heart raced and my mind started to wander in a dozen tangents as to what that might mean. As I tried to calm myself down before I got a coronary he went on to share the bad news with me.

I really cant recall what the medical term was or perhaps a part of me wants to block that out. But in short, one of my heart’s valves was not closing properly and it was getting worse. What took the icing on the cake was that it was inoperable.

The past few years had been exceptionally tough for me, a nasty divorce, 2 bad breakups later I receive news that my life expectancy was in the range of 10 to 15 years. Well one thing for sure, despite the length I would say that I’ve led a full life. Met some wonderful people and some not so pleasant ones, but I would say that all have taught me a thing or two about life.

As I attempt to pick up the pieces, the movie of the two old fogies creating a bucket list drifted into my mind. Hey that is also something that I want to do as well, and if possible I would like someone to share it with. But my order was a tall one and not one wich was easy to fill. Still I am sticking to it and hope that my guardian angel grants me my one last wish.

To date, I’ve only told 2 of my closest friends – both of which refuse to accept the fact that there is no medical remedy. I had only one request for them, let me live my life to the fullest. As such I’ve decided that I want to have no regrets whatsoever and I would really like to right all the wrongs I have chalked up in the past.

Somehow writing helps me to get in touch with my feelings and I hope that those who read my blog will always remember to give your loved ones a hug every day if possible because you never know when its your curtain call. Go forth and tell your loved ones that they matter the world to you.

Stepping Into the Light!

In the past months, life’s been filled to the brim with work and an angel that have brought me a lease of life. Travelling across continents, I’ve spent the last 6 months or so on the road more than I’ve ever been in years. Living out of a suitcase and in hotel rooms is not how I had envisioned my life this year. But one thing that is constant is change I guess and why not embrace it.

At the beginning of this year, my divorce got finalised and right now selling the flat would mean all ties between my ex-wife and me will be severed. As bitter as the day I told her it was over, she’s still lost in the world where I am the villain and she bore no blame. Even the buyer of my flat could sense the animosity that she had shown during our short appointment.

Sitting with the buyer and sipping tea, we spoke of life in general and somehow I feel a certain affinity with a man almost double my age. An elderly gentlemen who looked younger than his actual age had probably been able to do so by leading an active lifestyle.

He too spoke of finding a life partner and shared with me his own experience of marrying at age 40, although this is not something that I am totally against it is more the fear of rushing into things that fear me.

Who is the right one? Formerly I had the view that a couple had a lifetime to sort out differences but today I have a different view, fundamentals must be there or else a rock cannot turn into gold no matter how much we may wish upon our wishing star.

Even when you feel that you have found the right one, the right one may not deem you to be so. But one thing I have learnt is to live life one day at a time no matter how many days you have left. I live life with a passion in my work and private life, change no matter how minute starts very much with our own hands. No matter how experiences cloud our judgement, we should look objectively and this is what Cognitive Behavioral Therapy has enlightened me.

Right now I am wishing upon my star that my angel will soon be in my arms and then we’ll start building something special for the rest of our lives.

Recently I penned the following for her: -
“If you were me, you would love you too truly, wholeheartedly and eternally”

Its been a long time since I’ve got the inspiration and I guess she has brought it back . This is perhaps the first smiley in my posts but I guess this is a good start.

Yet another monkey in my life?

In the past weeks, I have slept so little that its amazing I am still standing today. Day after day of full schedules stretching into the wee hours of the next day. With overseas guests popping by to assess Singapore for a possible relocation of a global headquarters of a gaming company. In the couple of days they were here, we managed to achieve a whole lot and most important I guess I’ve given them a good impression of Singapore.

Initially everything was very professional, however as the hours dragged on and the camaraderie developed the walls came down. However there was one disappointment out of this entire episode and that was the introduction of an acquaintance which did not listen to the parameters of the engagement and went off on a tangent even after being told umpteen times of our requirements. Is it really impossible to do business with people you know? Or is it creative people just cant put on the business cap? Isn’t it important if not crucial to listen to the customer?

I picked up early in the process that these Americans knew what they wanted and did not want to waste time. Even I had to be placed under the magnifying glass initially when introduced to them. Therefore when I saw the designer crash and burn I decided to advice another ex-colleague to change the approach and to come in as a friend more than a real estate person and hey I am glad to say it worked like a charm. She worked her magic and the guys loved her,  now they are constantly associating us as an item. Although she is attractive, I still have not recovered from what happened a year ago. The pain of losing Swing was still fresh in my mind and my heart could ill afford another episode such as that.

The analogy I gave to my close friend was this – I had fallen off a mountain last year with extensive injuries and have only just started to regain my confidence once more and now you are asking me to climb K2? I had shared with him that Mich was the most popular girl in the company who often undertook the task of being a prize presenter during ceremonies. A cute and petite girl that doesn’t reveal what lies underneath which only recently I got to know a little better.

Mich gave me the initial impression that she always acted cute so that she could get her way and that she had a very squeaky voice which irritated the hell out of me. However recently after much interaction, I found out that there is a whole other persona underneath what I had initially observed. And the amazing thing was, I told her that recently and she wasn’t one bit upset but more glad that I was being upfront about it.

I also told her that she is the kind of girl that men love and women hated, maybe being upfront will come back to bite me one day but this is the true me. Some people would love me (I Hope ) and others would not be able to stand the sight of me.

Having shared this with some of my closest friends, they are now cajoling me to do something about it and not let a wonderful lady go by. Although I am touched by their concern, I feel that they know not the extent of my emotional hurt sustained with Swing. Till today I still can honestly say I still yearn for her. Anyway its not about what one person wants in a relationship, its about both of them. Without that, nothing can and will happen.

Not being a religious person, I don’t put very much in hope. To me if it is meant to be will be. And if Mich is meant to be I guess that will be the case as well. She is a wonderful lady but I am damaged goods and I don’t want to screw up people’s lives. To be frank I still do not want to settle, and if I have to die a lonely man I choose that path most willingly.

Only my closest friends know I have a blog but I have not shared with them the address even despite extreme pressures. I wonder if one day I will make it known to all including Swing. But alas she may not want to know anyway, for I have caused her too much pain and anguish.

My next entry will be that about May – KL’s sister who recently discovered her husbands extra-marital affairs. And despite what happened, he still feels he’s the smarter guy and is playing mind games on her. Some guys have all the luck and they never cherish the girl, why don’t I have this kind of luck? Or am I just too demanding as what my friends say.

Its almost a year now, but still my feelings for her remain strong. I really wonder when I will begin to let go, if I ever will. Its not about trying but letting nature take its course I guess for the harder I try the harder it seems. And she reminds me of a phrase I penned many years ago – I love you without reason but that is reason enough. She had been with me for years and during this time all I had contributed was worry, but still she stuck by me. If only I had the turnaround much earlier, things would have been very different today.

Till today I keep her pictures on my notebook and it will sync to my iPhone, and sometimes I still sneak peeks at it reminiscing about the wonderful times we’ve had. Neither am I shy to show my friends, though they have asked me why I am still keeping them. Whats the problem of keeping wonderful memories with you? Isn’t it akin to keeping photos in wallets until they tear at the edges and start to turn yellow? Until today I will still hide a smile when I look at the photos we took, he large eyes and her wide open smile. To me God couldn’t have created a more perfect being.

As I lie awake each night I often wonder about what I could have done different for things to have turned out better both for her and for me. And instead of putting me to sleep, it keeps me wide awake at night. Wondering, pondering and hoping…

This trip to Shanghai was once again last minute, I booked the ticket in the morning and flew that very same evening. Although I have a great tolerance for the cold, this time when I landed nothing prepared me for the 5 degree temperature but what made it worse was the wind. Landing at half past ten, I only managed to get out at 11 odd. Waiting at the curb for my friend, I decided to move back into the terminal as I was beginning to lose feeling in my ears. When they finally came, a stream of hokkien banter started to fill the foyer. Guess he was glad to see a fellow Singaporean and that was a form of welcome and of course what is hokkien without its expletives.

There is no stronger drug than LOVE! Not even Heroin!

To protect his confidentiality, lets call him Amos. Amos is a Singaporean married with two kids, he moved to Shanghai slightly more than 3 years ago for a better career and of course a fatter pay package. Within six months, he had strayed and this was what I had predicted. By no means was he a player, however because of some issues at home and also because of the loneliness I guess all these played a part. I am not condoning his behavior but I understand what he was up against. The official tally today is 3, the first is a girl he met at a ktv (she still works there), the next is a colleague and the last is someone he met.

My analysis which I openly shared with Amos was that he was doing an experiment akin to Frankenstein, in desperation of finding the perfect women he had tried to piece it together with these 3 girls. To protect their identities I am going to once again give them fictitious names, Felicia is a very upfront, aggressive lady built into a petite package. Perhaps this is what the trade has made her into, but my first impression of her was that she had something else on her agenda. Judy (the colleague) is a designer (pleasantly plump) and she is the emotional one who showers him with affection so much so that it suffocates him sometimes. And the last is an intelligent girl who can hold a good conversation, she’s the tallest of the lot. My advice (unsolicited) to him since day one has always been to solve his problems one at a time and not create more. Whoever he chooses I will give him all my blessings, but dragging his feet will only cause issues both for him and for them.

During this 3 day trip to Shanghai I stayed at his place, and everyday in the evenings I would speak to him on Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT). Initially he felt it was nonsense but after a while he began to see some sense in all these. And right now as I am learning it and practicing on my own I am also sharing it with him. Hopefully it would be of some benefit to him.

Today Amos told me that he had called it quits with Judy, as there was pressure for her to get married and without finalizing his divorce he was literally between a rock and a hard place. Judy had also taken the day off and wandered the streets, not wanted to see Amos for it would only break her heart. Honestly I felt that this girl would be the best for him but it may not be what he is seeking.

During the past few days, another couple Benson and June too went on the rocks. Benson oddly enough is also separated from his wife and has 2 daughters. June called around midnight and told me that Benson was jealous and had gone to pick a fight with a customer over her. I dropped everything and drove as fast as our speed cameras on the road allowed me and along the way tried several times unsuccessfully to reach Benson. When he finally called back, I told him I was out and would meet him in his office/home.

I arrived before he returned and thereafter we adjourned to the nearby 24 hour Hong Kong cafe for a quick bite. And before we knew it a couple seated 2 tables away started fighting. What I really cannot stand is a man hitting a woman, and this guy did just that. After Benson  and another patron stood up to stop him, they paid and left. But from where I was seated I could see that this was just escalating. Long story short, there were more blows delivered and more people got involved. I made a call to the cops who only arrived 15 minutes later and asked me where they were, not too bright they are. This episode somehow distracted Benson and his concern for the girl had helped him escape a little from his own problems with June.

I too tried to help Benson but he is one tough nut to crack but I am not giving up and will speak to him again once he returns from Shanghai.

As for myself, although Benson’s incident had stirred up memories of Swing again I have channeled my energies towards helping my friends which helped me to pass the day. A chat moments ago with June kind of set me thinking again, she said that I am still no over my ex. I wonder is it that obvious? Perhaps some things need not be said. Anyway life goes on, and focus is on the business!